


Playground Paralysis

by ellabell



Category: Leverage
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-31
Updated: 2012-08-31
Packaged: 2017-11-13 06:35:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellabell/pseuds/ellabell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maggie gets caught in a painful memory and works through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Playground Paralysis

She didn't know how to be still.

Maggie's feet pounded the pavement in Spain in the early morning before the heat overwhelmed, and though she loved Barcelona, she wished she could be anywhere but there, today.

No, not anywhere. There was a very specific place she wished she could be. But she couldn't keep putting her life on hold. _She was there for work_ , she reminded herself. 

She was strong, healthy, focused.

Independent.

She stared straight ahead as she repeated those words to herself like a mantra and tried to block out the myriad sights and sounds around her. She was here for work. She was tough, determined, and smart. 

Free.

She muttered those words to the beat of her feet, but it took only one second for the illusion to be shattered – a child's laugh trickled over the sounds of the morning hustle, and she stopped dead in her tracks. How had she managed to steer herself to a playground while she had been trying to avoid -- 

It was a playground, just like the one they used to visit, and it didn't take her long to be pulled forcibly into the memories. 

She could see them: the three of them smiling around a swing, pushing the small boy that could barely sit up on his own as he squealed in delight. Then they were slightly older, comforting the child who had jumped off the adjacent swing, but fell and skinned his knee.

She could feel herself wanting to move, but the images from the past were still holding her in place. There was the bench off to the right where they sat as the boy met his friends and ran around the playground, now too cool to play with his parents; yet, they still saw him checking for them out of the corner of his eye.

Then he was playing again, but with less energy and less concerned about having to sit with his parents while the others played on without him.

And then it was just her, sitting in the swing on a quiet playground, tears running down her cheeks silently.

She wanted to break away from the sight, the memory, but it held her like a panic attack, a PTSD flashback – shock.

That was her: the her she had been six years ago today. 

It wasn't the day that Sam had died.

No. On that anniversary she would be entertaining the family members and friends that thought she needed company. And maybe she did.

But this day she tried to forget. This day she wanted to be as far away as possible

This day was so much worse.

She was pulled further into the memory, her body paralyzed in the middle of the running path and she couldn't shake the feeling that she was still on that swing, still rocking back and forth, still barely cognisant of her wet cheeks or the gentle breeze...

Still realizing that she had given up.

She couldn't stay still that day either. Nate was fighting with Ian, fighting with the doctors, fighting with her. She couldn't sit beside Sam's bed for another minute while he was wasting away beside her, trying to fight but having so little energy to do so.

And in that moment – just for second – she wished for his pain to stop.

That's when she started running, ending up at the park that had held so many of the good memories – and now the bad ones too.

She continued to sway with the motion of the swing – but finally stumbled on the rough path, becoming aware of her surroundings again. 

She let out a choked sob and felt the tears on her cheeks, even surprised to see that she was not at the playground at home but at an unfamiliar one on the other side of the globe. 

So, maybe she couldn't be at _their_ playground back home, but she was here, at this one. This was just as good as any gravesite or memorial she should find.

She thought back to that day beside Sam's bedside, and remembered another part of the story that she didn't dwell on very often: that Sam had smiled, squeezed her hand, and told her not to be afraid before he went back to sleep.

She took a deep breath and the memory wasn't as painful, now. An errant thought was struggling to be heard in her mind: maybe she didn't give up, then – maybe she was just able to finally see what the doctors did. Maybe she was just preparing herself for the inevitable. 

She took a few more minutes to catch her breath, walking around the playground, touching random handrails, and letting a few more tears to fall.

And then just like that day so many years before, she couldn't stay still any longer.

She got back on the trail, and left the memories behind as she moved on with her day. The pain was still there – it would always be there – but her chest felt a little less heavy than it did in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Flashback.  
> Shorter version written for LJ's LeverageLand, posted July 13, 2012.


End file.
